Living Together: The Do's and Don'ts
Co-habitation, living together, shacking up, however you want to coin it – it’s a very common and important topic that many couples eventually discuss when it comes to the future, but is it the right thing to do?
The opinions on this matter vary on a wide spectrum and depend on a multitude of factors such as cultural upbringing, economic status, religion, faith – you name it. Some view it as a practical test-drive for the real thing while others consider it to be a form of social deviance and an avoidance of real commitment. Thankfully, the first amendment creeds that as with all matters of opinion, there is no definitive right nor wrong. There is only what is right for you. And if you’re lucky, that decision is completely up to you and your S.O. Ah, how’s that for the pursuit of happiness?
So whether you’re in that boat and deliberating, or if you and your partner are already nesting and maybe looking to gain some fresh perspective, or you could simply be curious and want to do a bit of light reading, here are some insights around co-habitation before marriage and things to consider.
Let’s begin by throwing some statistics on the board. An estimated 70% of U.S. couples decide to cohabit before marriage. That’s a vast majority! And of those couples, 40% of them go on to marry within 3 years. It’s clear that cohabitation creates a clear path to the altar then but what happens after? Some studies have shown that many of those who cohabitated before marriage had a higher chance of being unhappy in their marriages and were at higher risk of divorce. Yikes! But before you panic, more recent studies refute these earlier findings and pinpoint certain factors have more of a say.
Age – When you choose to cohabitate has been found to have more of a significance on the probability for divorce, more-so than the act of cohabitating itself. For example, younger cohabitants who also marry young and have yet to mature in their emotional and financial security tend to face more hurdles down the road which may in turn wear and tear on the fabric of their relationships.
Religious Views - At age 23 and 31, young adult respondents who reported frequent religious services attendance at age 18 were more likely to disapprove of premarital sex, non-marital cohabitation, and divorce compared to peers who attended less frequently. These respondents were more keen on traditional family gender roles and overall followed more traditional ideologies in love and life.
Education Levels - Some studies show that your degree could be a bigger factor. An estimated 78% of college-educated women who married for the first time between 2006 and 2010 could expect their marriages to last at least 20 years, compared to the 40% for women with a high school education or less. All the more reason to bust out our inner nerds, right gals? However, let’s also note that this statistic is not extrapolated by those who cohabitated prior to getting hitched.
All factors considered, it’s pretty clear that this discussion is super convoluted and can easily become a rabbit role, one that hardly narrows into a formula for what will curate the perfect statistical marriage. But for those of you trying to do your due diligence, let’s try to distill this down into a few key points to consider.
Get on the same page. I don’t mean the same genre, book, or even general chapter – I mean the exact page that clearly asks, “What are our plans for the future?”. Both parties should be able to honestly ask themselves and each other for the answer and if all works out, agree that cohabitation will be a trial for the real thing. Ideally this comes with a general timeline of how things will progress if things go well. That way, there is little confusion or hidden pressures from either party down the road.
Understand the financial implications. While living together can initially seem to be cost-effective, that shouldn’t be the primary reason for merging households. This is what some call “slipping into cohabitation.” When you’re already sleeping over all the time and you have a drawer at your partner’s place, cognitive dissonance will tell you that it just makes more sense to shack up. Wrong! Statistics show that it’s actually way more expensive to divide up the expenses and investments that have built up in a cohabitant situation.
If you’ve already considered all of this and you and your partner feel this is the right move, then work out a plan for how to budget and work out expenses with your combined budgets. This discussion is way easier to have before the first set of bills are due and probably one of your first real tests for communicating finances once married. Voila! Drivers, start your engines!
Exit plan. I know, talk about morbid, but in the name of being practical this one is kind of essential. We all want the test-drive to go smoothly, to be so distracted by the beautiful scenery that we don’t notice the speed bumps, but if things don’t quite turn out to be all rainbows and butterflies, there should be a clear exit plan. Talk about what will happen with the lease, expenses, pet turtles, etc. in case things turn sour. It’s better to have this conversation ahead of time and without the claws of passion involved.
This is all easier said than done but only because it’s a really important question. Like, a forever, life-long, till-death-do-you-part kind of important. But that’s why it’s all the more important to have as many answers as possible before making the move to live together. This is your life, you owe it to yourself be smart and enjoy the ride. So with that, here’s to a long life, great love, and the pursuit of happiness!
